The Good, the Bad and the Enneagram Nine

I apologize in advance to my fellow Enneagram Nines. We're taking a look under the hood today!

The Good

Enneagram Nine - Peace

I was first attracted to the Enneagram because I felt seen and understood. I knew there was more going on under the surface of my life but it felt scary and overwhelming to take a look. There were lots of times I knew I was not "easy-going" but the thought of going against anyone terrified me.

If I'm being honest though, those thoughts have only come to me later. I was so steeped in my "easygoingness" that it was natural, and almost easy, to go along. When I look back at my twenties, I can now see many times that my insides were squirming because somehow it had been assumed I was okay with something and, to save my life, I wouldn't be able to tell you if I'd said "yes", said nothing or just smiled. One thing I can guarantee though, I almost NEVER said, "no" ... out loud.

Hold on, this section is titled "The Good" ... I find it hard to talk about the good qualities of the Enneagram Nine because after seeing them for what they are, I feel sad at how many of them weren't really me. They were ways I used to keep people happy, to keep them in my corner and to feel like I wasn't as unknown as I felt.

Every number has this story in their own way: the tale of traits we've adopted to maintain connections.

So let's talk instead about the REAL good about the Enneagram Nine, not the superficial, "nice" traits we have adopted but the true Nine spirit that is begging to be set free.

Enneagram Nine's have more going on underneath the surface than you can ever imagine. Their strength and energy is huge. They can run and not get tired ... for you. They can work and stay up late ... for you. They can come up with a thousand ideas ... for you. The disconnect is and will always be, they can do anything for someone else but will struggle to find any for themselves.

Nine's are actually the disruptors of the Enneagram, if you can believe that. They have a POWERFUL inner compass for fairness and justice. They can see all sides AND they can see what actually needs to be done. When they learn to speak from their gut, instead of rationalizing away what they're thinking and feeling, get out of the way, because everything is about to shake!

There is a reason for the placement of every number around the Enneagram. No, the Enneagram Nine is not exactly the "Sweetheart of the Enneagram" as many books will tell you. The Nine is the only number that routinely leaves themselves out of every picture. The Enneagram Nine is at the top because when they finally start adding themselves into the picture, they complete the whole circle.

The Bad

Get ready for a bomb: Nine's aren't actually that nice.

Here's what I've started seeing about my "niceness" - it's really hard to fault someone "nice" for ANYTHING. I don't typically yell, I rarely say, out loud, what I really think, and I'm so good at knowing what you might want or need that I can deliver it on a platter long before you feel any differently about me. What I'm trying to convey here is, Nine's get to avoid a lot of the blame in relationships mostly because it's hard to pinpoint what we're actually doing that makes you feel frustrated!!

I'm sure it's no surprise to those of you that know a Nine - this is the most stubborn number on the Enneagram; quietly stubborn, of course. If you've ever worked or lived with a Nine and you can't put your finger on why things are moving SO F$%KING SLOWLY, it is likely because they have said "no" inside and there is NOTHING you can do to get them to move even the slightest bit quicker.

So much is going on, and quite frankly hidden, on the inside that stubbornness, frustration and other forms of their well-hidden anger, can leak out on anyone - but with barely a trace!

I hope the Nine's are still with me ... trust me, I love ya, I'm in this with you!

Let's talk adaptive traits again: everyone figures out ways to maintain connections. Nine's have adopted "niceness." At some point in our lives we decided that if we can figure out how to say the right thing, do the right thing and keep people happy, we will stay connected to the people we need and love.

Enneagram Nine - Choose YOU

Adaptive traits are developed for a reason! A Nine's worst fear is loss of connection. Do I fault us for adopting this strategy? No!! Do I think we need to find other ways to survive, yes. My Nine heart breaks for all the Nines, including myself, that have felt the need to be less than themselves to stay in relationship with people. You kept some of your best parts hidden so you wouldn't end up alone. I get it and I've done it but it doesn't have to be this way.

I know it feels scary, it does for me too. I know your mind has already filled with other things you would rather do, but without stopping and getting to know the real you, the connection you long for will always feel incomplete.

The Enneagram Nine

Enneagram Nine's of the world, please hear this, you are not lazy, you are not even easy-going, there is untapped potential and strength to change the world in you - but you have to start with YOU.

The right people will stay connected to you even if you say the wrong thing. We want to get to know you. We want to be your safe place. We love you.

So for all of us:

I am awesome. My presence is welcomed and wanted. I breath in each moment, knowing that just who I am is enough. Today, I choose to say what I think, need and desire, giving both myself and those around me a chance to get to know ME!