Here, let me help!

Time for an examination of the people-pleaser in all of us as expressed in our lovely friends, the Enneagram Twos.

When I first learned about the enneagram most of the people I met were "twos." Hmmm .... that feels suspicious! Either this system is so simplistic that it puts everyone in the same box or there must be something more to the people-pleaser/helper personality.

If you ask ChatGPT for a basic description of the Enneagram Two it may tell you, "Enneagram Twos are caring, supportive individuals who thrive on making meaningful connections and helping others."

Let's dive a little deeper ...

Caring and Supportive

This first piece seems so nice. It seems like characteristics we should all strive for if they don't come naturally. And actually, it is hard to refute the need for people who are caring and supportive.

I wonder if we have all offered and received care and support that doesn't necessarily feel like care and support to the other people involved. Maybe it's bad timing, maybe it's the wrong context, or maybe there is something in the way care and support is being offered. In my experience, there are two places where misunderstandings can come up: the reason something is offered and the interaction following what is being offered.

Think back to the last time you offered something kind to someone. Did you WANT to offer it, did you feel like you SHOULD offer it, or did you offer it because of some other reason?

Keep thinking about your offer and now play out these two scenarios:

1. The person expresses their gratitude for your kindness; or

2. The person doesn't notice your kindness.

What did you notice?

Some people may have noticed something in how they offer help.

Some people may have noticed a twinge inside with the type of response they receive for their help.

Let's zero-in on Enneagram Twos. Twos are so attuned to the people around them that care and support naturally spills out of them - they don't "have to," they just do. However, when it comes to how their help is received, there will be mixed responses going on inside. The phrases, "I wish people would know what I need the way I do for them," or "I was just trying to help," or "I feel like I'm the only one doing anything," may bubble up.

What needs to be made clear is that the parts of each number that have grown into the characteristics described in the Enneagram are simply the ways each number has attempted to find the things they believe they are missing. As sad as it is, each number is working their hardest to be seen, heard and understood, only to be misunderstood when they are trying their hardest.

Enneagram Twos are no different. They offer care and support because they too need care and support.

Meaningful Connections

Twos are driven by connection. Their heart aches to hear your heart. They create space for people to share and they love to dive deeply into what makes you, YOU.

Part of how Twos make these connections is through their helping nature. As previously discussed, care and support come naturally for the Enneagram Two. What comes less naturally is their acknowledgement of their own need for care and support.

Here is where the double-edge of the Enneagram strikes again: without dealing with your own needs, you aren't able to fully help others.

There are never-ending metaphors for this concept: put on your oxygen mask first; you can't pour from an empty glass; love your neighbour as yourself. Please know I am rolling my eyes along with you. It is said a million different ways, and yet, are we listening?

The bottom line is, there is no help for others without first looking at how to help yourself. I will go as far as to say, helping others without helping yourself doesn't help the way you think it will.

A person without needs ceases to be a real person. Yes, it is scary to let your needs show and realize people may or may not respond the way you need them to, but hiding them can be just as scary. Without allowing ourselves to be fully human, we miss out on the opportunity of being fully ourselves.

And so, to the Enneagram Twos and all of the people-pleasers out there:

"You are valued for who you are, not just for what you do. Remember to extend the same kindness and care to yourself as you do to others. You are deserving of love and understanding just as much as anyone else. We can only love you as much as you love yourself."