Wisdom and Time.

An Exploration of Self-Awareness and the Enneagram

When I was a little girl I couldn't say my full name, Tamara, so I gave myself the nickname "Tam." I have spent a lot of time trying to remember the little Tam, trying to channel her natural strength and bravery, the way that she was more herself than I sometimes feel today.

I am fascinated by the way our personalities take shape throughout our lives. When are we "most ourselves?" Is there a point in our lives where our personalities become so deeply effected by our fears and life experiences that we live and move through the world as other versions of ourselves? Are we really responding to life as ourselves or as a version of ourselves we have adapted to our situation?

I suppose what I'm asking is, if nothing in this world stays the same over time, do we become more or less like ourselves as we age? I'm not convinced that age brings wisdom. And I'm equally unconvinced that simply existing in time contributes to us becoming truer versions of ourselves. I don't believe it is that simple.

Enter: The Enneagram

After hearing many thoughts and theories about nature, nurture and the Enneagram, I agree with many that we enter the world as our Enneagram number. I would also agree that it is no accident which collection of Enneagram numbers we are born into, interact with and experience in our lifetime.

For anyone new to the Enneagram, perhaps it feels farfetched that all people throughout time fit into nine personality types (27 subtypes, 54 subtype sequences). I agree, we aren't just nine types of robots moving through the world in predictable and static ways. What I see are unique people, navigating their unique life experiences, with a common goal to be seen and understood. What I see in the Enneagram is a tangible and often practical explanation for why we have felt unseen and misunderstood.

The Enneagram presents nine beautiful expressions of a balanced human life - curiosity (innocence), right action, serenity, humility, authenticity, calmness (equanimity), freedom (non-attachment), courage, and moderation (sobriety). And sadly, nine distortions of these expressions we cling to when life has been overwhelming - excess (lust), laziness (sloth), anger, pride, self-deceit, envy, greed (avarice), fear, and overconsumption (gluttony).

What I have seen shaping my own life are the misguided distortions of my type. Let's say I never found the Enneagram and I continued to live my life blissfully unaware that I was unconsciously choosing what was expected of me rather than examining my own inner world and my own unique desires, preferences and opinions (unconscious beliefs of an Enneagram Nine). Yes, I would have good days and bad days and yes, most of my life would remain okay. But as I aged, the trajectory of a life chosen from unconscious reasons is a life moving further and further from the real me. In many ways, time does not increase anyone's wisdom or freedom but rather decreases the ways we can choose to be ourselves as our personality patterns slowly calcify.

This isn't meant to be a defeatist or pessimistic outlook but rather an observation on self-awareness. The modern concept of being aware of self indicates that it may not be as natural as simply growing, changing and experiencing life and time as it comes. To become aware of self is a process of unlearning the ways we have adapted "self" to fit the life we were born into and getting reacquainted with the true self that entered the world with natural balance and freedom.

Back to our question:

If nothing in this world stays the same over time, do we become more or less like ourselves as we age? And how do we know?

I feel the pull of comfort daily - the pull to choose easy. Looking at self takes effort and you may not like what you see. But I know what I don't want to see - a passive, smoke-screen-of-a-person walking around in my body half living and half experiencing.

For now:

I'm on a journey to reembody myself, my strong, brave self. The Enneagram helps me see myself more clearly. There is no magic fix in the world of self-awareness. So, use the Enneagram or don't, either way, the work of getting to know yourself is always worth it.

Add a comment below, where are you on your journey of self-awareness?