"I'm really self-aware" ... and other lies we tell ourselves.

Understanding our needs, patterns, and the role of the Enneagram in personal growth

“I’m really self-aware.”

It’s something many of us say - especially in leadership, in therapy, or anywhere personal growth is on the table. But often, what we really mean is, “I’m aware of how other people behave. I can name some of my habits. I’ve read a few things.”

There’s nothing wrong with that - but it’s not the whole picture.

Self-awareness isn’t a checkbox. It’s not something you achieve once and move on. It’s the ongoing practice of being human, of noticing what drives you, what unsettles you, and what happens when your needs go unmet. It’s a kind of inner listening that gets clearer over time, not louder.

ChatGPT defines self-awareness as “the ongoing ability to notice, understand, and reflect on your thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and impact on others.” This is a great start but this is simply where the conversation starts, not where it ends.

I define self-awareness like this: Self-awareness is the growing understanding that we have needs, and the observation of what happens when we don’t have what we need.

This is where the Enneagram becomes helpful. Not because it tells you who you are, but because it helps you observe what patterns emerge when your core need is unmet. Each Enneagram type is shaped by a basic desire, and when that desire goes unmet, certain emotional, mental, and behavioural habits kick in, often automatically.

The good news? These patterns aren’t flaws. They’re invitations. When we learn to notice them, we open the door to choice, compassion, and change.

The Nine Types: Needs, Patterns, and the Practice of Noticing

Type One

• Core need: To be good, right, and in integrity

• When this need goes unmet, Ones often become critical of themselves, of others, or of the world around them. They may try to regain control by correcting, perfecting, or pushing harder.

• Self-awareness grows when...

  • You ask, “What feels ‘off’ right now, and is it really my responsibility to fix it?”

  • You notice tension in your body before correcting or judging.

  • You pause to ask whether your inner critic is helping, or just being loud.

Type Two

• Core need: To feel loved, appreciated, and wanted

• When this need goes unmet, Twos may focus outward, anticipating the needs of others while ignoring their own. Giving becomes a way to feel secure in relationships.

• Self-awareness grows when...

  • You check in with yourself before saying yes: “Do I actually have the capacity for this?”

  • You notice when you’re waiting for appreciation or connection that hasn’t been named.

  • You practice receiving ... without earning it first.

Type Three

• Core need: To feel valuable and worthwhile

• When this need goes unmet, Threes often double down on productivity or image. Success becomes a way to feel seen, even if it means losing touch with their inner world.

• Self-awareness grows when...

  • You pause and ask, “Who am I when I’m not performing or producing?”

  • You notice discomfort with slowing down and get curious about it.

  • You allow space for emotion, even when it doesn’t feel efficient.

Type Four

• Core need: To feel significant and emotionally understood

• When this need goes unmet, Fours may become preoccupied with what’s missing, longing for depth, intensity, or something just out of reach.

• Self-awareness grows when...

  • You ask, “What’s already here that I might be overlooking?”

  • You practice naming your emotions without letting them define the moment.

  • You move toward connection instead of waiting to be invited in.

Type Five

• Core need: To feel capable and self-sufficient

• When this need goes unmet, Fives often withdraw, conserving energy and turning inward to manage their internal world.

• Self-awareness grows when...

  • You ask, “What am I afraid will be taken from me if I engage right now?”

  • You gently challenge the belief that you don’t have enough to contribute.

  • You experiment with showing up, even when you feel underprepared.

Type Six

• Core need: To feel secure, supported, and safe

• When this need goes unmet, Sixes may become hypervigilant, anticipating problems, seeking reassurance, or doubting themselves.

• Self-awareness grows when...

  • You ask, “What would trust look like right now, in myself, or in this situation?”

  • You notice when planning turns into second-guessing.

  • You name your concerns out loud instead of managing them alone.

Type Seven

• Core need: To feel satisfied, free, and fulfilled

• When this need goes unmet, Sevens may avoid discomfort by shifting focus, by planning, dreaming, or filling time to stay ahead of pain or boredom.

• Self-awareness grows when...

  • You ask, “What am I avoiding by moving on so quickly?”

  • You practice staying present even in the dull or the difficult moments.

  • You notice when choice becomes escape.

Type Eight

• Core need: To feel strong, independent, and not controlled

• When this need goes unmet, Eights often react with intensity, asserting control, protecting vulnerability, or resisting anything that feels like weakness.

• Self-awareness grows when...

  • You ask, “What softer emotion might be underneath this reaction?”

  • You pay attention to when your strength becomes armor.

  • You notice when your presence fills the room and pause to listen.

Type Nine

• Core need: To feel at peace and in harmony with others

• When this need goes unmet, Nines may go quiet, minimizing their own preferences to keep the peace, while slowly disconnecting from themselves.

• Self-awareness grows when...

  • You ask, “What do I want or need in this moment?” before deferring.

  • You notice when comfort becomes avoidance.

  • You speak up, even when your instinct is to blend in.

It All Starts With Noticing ...

Noticing is the first step. Noticing when you're tense. When you go quiet. When you're trying to prove something. When you're avoiding something. When you're overcompensating. When you're pulling away or rushing in.

That moment of awareness, however small, is where change begins.

You don’t need to have it all figured out. In fact, you won’t. Self-awareness isn’t a destination; it’s a lifelong practice. You will come back to these patterns again and again, each time with a little more clarity, a little more choice, and a little more compassion.

So get curious. Stay open. And remember: you have your whole life to understand yourself, there’s no rush.